Hotline to Hell
by Swirling Circles
Summary: Have you heard of the Hell Correspondence site? The Yorozuya trio were checking out the site out of curiosity. Read the story if you want to know what happen. (Man I made this summary sounds like some kind of advertisement. Epic failure...)


On a winter morning, the Yorozuya was filling their day with daily routines. Gintoki was drinking his favorite strawberry milk and reading Jump. Shinpachi hummed while dusting the room with a feather duster just like any average housewife, except he wasn't one to begin with. Kagura chewed happily on her sukonbu. At the same time, her mind was working on a plan to pass her time.

'_Hmm… maybe I should take a walk. Getting some fresh air seems better than sitting here, watching Shinpachi act like some sort of maid,' _she thought to herself, and proceeded with her plan.

Kagura put on her black boots and grabbed her umbrella before going outside. Tama, who was sweeping snow outside the Otose Snack Bar, greeted her when she descended the stairs. Kagura responded with a smile on her face. She then sheltered herself from the snow using her umbrella.

'_Oh yeah, why don't I go to Saki-chan's house? It's been a while since I last visited her,' _Kagura thought.

On the snow-paved street of Kabuki-cho, she saw many familiar faces. Madao was wandering with his stay dog as usual. Shinsengumi officers were directing the heavy traffic that clogged the freeways, and there was a sadist who solved two problems with a bazooka: the heavy traffic and his mayonnaise-addicted enemy who was currently patrolling at the spot. Katsura and Elizabeth managed to find a part time job that involved the latter dressing as a Santa and driving the customers due to his (or rather, its) bizarre appearance. Through a shop window, Kagura saw her Anego dressing Kyuubei in a bright colored kimono. Yamazaki, the anpan-addicted officer, found his gorilla looking chief outside the store and dragged him back as their vice-chief had ordered.

Kagura continued to walk without stopping. She wished to reach her friend's house as fast as possible as she did not want to freeze in the chilly weather.

"Kagura-chan is here," Saki's mother informed the girl who was currently watching Jigoku Shoujo from her bedroom television. At the corner of the room, she hugged her knees closer to her chest. Maybe she's cold due to the weather and was trying to get warmer, or perhaps she is just scared of the frightening show.

"Thanks for telling me mom," replied the said girl. She then switched the television off, and went towards the entrance where she saw the orange-haired girl smiling beaming at her.

"Kagura-chan, please come in," Saki invited.

"Thanks." Kagura took off her boots before entering her friend's house. She put her footwear near the door.

"Saki-chan, your mom told me that you're watching TV just now. So what show is that?" The two girls walked into the living room. She sat down by the heater and Kagura plopped beside her.

"I am watching Jigoku Shoujo. It's an anime," the girl answered.

"What's it about?" Kagura raised her brows at the seemingly interesting subject.

"Hmm...It's about the Hell Girl, Enma Ai. She runs a site, the Hell Correspondence site that allows people to take revenge via her services. The name of the person that was typed and sent to her will go to hell. Throughout the story, her assistants assist her to perform her tasks," Saki explained.

"Really? Do you have a computer? Let's check out the site right now!" Kagura exclaimed. She went all jumpy and excited, grabbing her friend's hand and leading her up the stairs.

"But Kagura-chan, the site was said to be opened only on midnight. Plus..."

"Plus what?" Kagura urged her friend to go on.

"If you really want Enma to kill someone, you need to strike a deal with her first. The price you need to pay if you accept her help is to give your soul to Enma—to hell. After you die, you will sent to hell too."

* * *

_It's about the Hell Girl, Enma Ai. She runs a site, the Hell Correspondence site that allows people to take revenge via the services. The name of the person that was typed and sent to her will go to hell._

The words rang in Kagura's mind continuously. No matter what she is doing, those lines kept on resounding in her brain. She thought about it when she was strolling around Edo with Sadaharu; she thought about it during her mealtimes; and she even thought about it in her sleep.

'_I really wanted to see that site myself...but I don't have a computer...'_

Curiosity was bubbling inside her. And thus, she found herself in Hiraga Gengai's workshop. Her plan is to get a computer—or rather, rob one from Gengai's shop.

"Oji-san, are you in here?" she shouted while lifting the doors. She scanned the vacant space with her azure orbs. "Oji-san, answer me!"

A few minutes went by, and Kagura got impatient and went on rampage. When she kicked the nearest toolbox beside her, she sent it flying towards the ill-fated old man who just got into the garage to settle a girl who was fussing over his absence.

_Clank!_

The toolbox hit Gengai's head.

"Ooooooooooow!"

A lady-like scream was released at the top of his lungs.

Kagura wrapped bandages on Gengai's injured head. The whole thing was carelessly done. "I'm finished now," Kagura said triumphantly and hit his head. Once again the scream was heard, blood steeped on the bandage, and the wound was reopened.

'_It's a wonder I hadn't been hospitalized yet. I should avoid this violent girl next time we meet, for the sake of my safety,' _Gengai thought secretly.

"Hey, why are you here again?" he then asked in an annoyed tone.

"I want a computer," Kagura demanded.

"Where the heck can I find that? This is not an electric appliance store!" Gengai protested, ignoring an evil aura that was surrounding the Yato girl.

"Just get me a computer. I don't care how you do it, just give me one."

The aura was getting stronger, sending shivers down Gengai's spine. Pissed off, she then took her purple umbrella and aimed it at his robot. "Oji-san, your precious creation will be a pile of wreck if you don't give me—"

"Sure!" he blurted out in an attempt to save his 'sons'. "I'll give you anything!"

Unwillingly, he handed over his new laptop which he bought yesterday. "Please return this soon."

Kagura opened her mouth to complain. "Wha—"

"Take it or leave it. It's the end of the bargain."

"Sure then. I'll give it back in three days," Kagura said, seeing no other choice.

She scowled. '_That robot fonder is quite a stickler.' _

* * *

"Kagura, where the heck did you find that?"

Gintoki was amazed at what the young Yato was carrying: the latest model of laptop in Edo, which is not likely to be seen in their office.

"The robot-lover geezer lent it to me, for free of course," Kagura boasted. She was proud to own such an impressive device that Gintoki can't afford, even for such a short period. She put it down on the tea table cautiously. Breaking and having to pay for it is not a great idea, and it had never been one.

"Robot lover?" Gintoki muttered. He tried to search his memory for someone that matched Kagura's description.

"Ah, do you mean Gengai-san?" Shinpachi suggested while sipping hot tea from the cup on his hands.

"Errr… yeah. I thought his name was Saburou," Kagura said.

"Hey, that's way off. Isn't Saburou the robot's name?" Shinpachi reminded her. "Anyway, why do you need a laptop? You can go to the cyber cafe instead of borrowing from Hiraga-san," he added.

"Nuh-uh. I need it during midnight. The cafe should be close by then," Kagura explained.

"What do you mean during midnight?" Gintoki put down his Jump and inspected the device lying on the table.

Kagura told them everything she that she knew about the cursed site. Eventually, the other two Yorozuya also took interest in the site. Gintoki snatched the computer, jammed the plug into a socket and searched for the site. "Oi, oi. Why can't I open this stupid site? I'm getting pissed." Gintoki clicked the mouse rapidly.

"Calm down, Gin-san. Didn't Kagura-chan say that the site can only be opened at midnight?" Shinpachi said to prevent further damage on the poor thing.

* * *

The three Yorozuya's gazes landed on the clock. They have been sitting in front of the laptop for a long time, waiting eagerly for midnight to come. Once in a while, Gintoki would tell his companions some jokes to lighten up the drowsy mood—the most of them are used to mock Shinpachi. Despite being laughed at, Shinpachi smiled, as he was too tired to bother with what the others were saying.

"Shinpachi, why are you staying overnight?"

The bespectacled boy, though surprised at the young girl's question, only smiled in reply. "Oh it's nothing. I just want to check this site out."

Alas, after an hour of waiting, the clock turned twelve. Kagura took the mouse in her hand and clicked on the link. Both Gintoki and Shinpachi butted their head forward, blocking Kagura's view of the site. She slapped their heads to warn them not to get in her way.

"So Shinpachi, I'll let you have the honor to type first," Gintoki said suddenly.

"Errr.. Kagura-chan, are you going to type Okita-san's name?" Shinpachi lifted his hand that was on the keyboard, allowing her to do so.

"Gin-chan, we know how much you hate Mayora and Sacchan." Kagura faked a smile.

"Ah no, I think Shinpachi would like to type gorilla's name in there," Gintoki suggested.

"Nah, it's okay. Kagura-chan hates Okita-san more than I hate the stalker," Shinpachi pointed out.

"Damn you four eyes! Just type the damn gorilla's name and send it to hell girl!"

The two teens fought, causing a commotion. To be more precise, Shinpachi is the one who got beaten up by the Yato girl. But no matter how much pain the punches caused, he still wouldn't agree to type a name.

"Hey, I've got an idea. Why don't we decide this through rock-paper-scissors? The winner shall decide whose name to be typed. The loser will type the name. Runner-up gains nothing," said Gintoki as he persuaded them into playing the game. Seeing that his staffs had stopped fighting, the silver-haired man gave a smirk.

"Yosh, let's start with papers."

"ROCK! PAPER! SCISSORS!"

"Errrr.. Gin-san, didn't you say that we'll start with papers? Why are you starting with scissors?" Shinpachi asked.

"Talk about yourself. You're also starting with scissors," Kagura said.

"And so do you!" Shinpachi complained.

"Stop whining, Pattsuan. My stupid brother told me this is a paper," replied Kagura, putting all the blame on Kamui.

* * *

Meanwhile, a man with plaited red hair sneezed.

"Hey Taichou_,_ don't tell me you're catching a cold? Earthlings say that a stupid person never gets sick."

The said man only replied with a childish smile.

"Who knows?"

* * *

"ROCK!"

"PAPER!"

"SCISSORS!"

The Yorozuya started the next round for a decision.

"Gin-san, what is that?" Shinpachi pointed at Gintoki's hand which has a zebra face painted on it.

"Isn't it obvious? This is a paper with much creativity." Gintoki let Shinpachi have a better look of his artwork.

"Well, look at your paper. It's as dull as ever," Kagura jeered.

Seeing no point in arguing, Shinpachi stared at Kagura's left hand that was forming a star shape with her fingers and various colorful rubber bands.

"What's yours supposed to be?" he asked.

"It's a paper four eyes."

"Really..?"

"Now it's time to announce the result. The winner is me, runner-up is Kagura, and the loser is Shinpachi."

Ignoring Shinpachi's complaints, Gintoki commanded him to type J*stin Bi*be*'s name.

"J*stin Bi*be*? Why has it to be him?"

Kagura forced Shinpachi to type the name with her enormous strength while Gintoki did not answer and joined Kagura.

"Now Shinpachi, be a good boy and do as I say," the permed-hair samurai instructed.

"You ought to be complained," Shinpachi murmured when the two got him into sending the name.

"Yup. I wonder how many apology letters Sorachi needed to write recently…"

* * *

A few minutes have passed, and the three Yorozuya only sat still, waiting for something to happen. And just as they were about to shrug everything off, they then suddenly heard a noise coming from somewhere.

_Crack!_

"Gin-chan, what's that noise? Could it be the Hell Girl?" Kagura said after hearing the roof tiles crack.

Shinpachi felt his heart stop a beat, and cold sweat trickled down his face. '_What if Ai Enma really existed? __What if Gin-san and Kagura-chan agreed to her contract, and what if my soul will really go to hell?'_

_Meow!_

"Hey, you stupid cat! You made me have an heart attack!" screamed a furious Shinpachi. The feline quickly ran when it heard the shout of an irritated shortsighted teen.

Another few minutes have passed, and they got tired of waiting. Kagura shut down the laptop and went directly to her closet. She was too exhausted to care for her oral hygiene. Gintoki and Shinpachi, on the other hand, had also skipped brushing their teeth and slept.

_"I kinda wish the hell girl is real..."_ Kagura thought before drifting into a peaceful slumber.

* * *

Epilogue

"Wanyūdō, I thought this is our new client's house? But it seems that everyone is asleep. Have you brought me to a wrong house?" asked a petite girl with red eyes and long and silky black hair. She is the one whom they call Enma Ai.

"Sorry milady. I shouldn't have relied on the GPS," Wanyūdō, her assistant, apologized.

"That's great! Hone Onna really likes that Justin guy's songs!" her other assistant, Ren, said in a teasing way.

"I do not!" Onna grumbled.

* * *

**Original version (Enma would recite the lines bellow to her clients): _  
_**

_If you truly wish to eliminate your antagonist,_  
_you must untie the red string._

_If you remove the string, you shall officially_  
_enter into a contract with me._

_The one you seek revenge upon shall be taken immediately to Hell._

_However, if I deliver your revenge,_  
_I must have you make restitution to me._

_When one person is cursed, two graves are dug._

_When you die, your soul shall fall into the pits of Hell._

_Your spirit shall wander forever in pain and suffering…_  
_never having known paradise._

_Well, that's after you die._

_The rest is for you to decide._

_~Enma Ai_

**My version:_  
_**

If you truly wish to see Enma Ai, I can help you to accomplish it, without using the Hell Correspondence site.

Just type a review down there. By this, your wish will come true.

**Nah, I'm bluffing (or not) . Leave a review if you want to.**


End file.
